Too young to keep good love from going wrong.

Rain has been trickling steadily from light to dark as the calendar seems to pirouette to its dwindling end. The second day of December (Happy Birthday, Daddy!) feels very much like a day from the last month of the year, if that makes any sense to you. The kind of day where you wake up and realize that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to make a thermos of hot tea and laze, belly-down, with wooly red socks and your favourite oversized tee shirt on as you shut your mind from anticipating what’s next or from thinking back on what’s before.

Today is also the first Monday since I resigned from my previous employment so not having to wake up at 6 to take various modes of commute is a relief I won’t refrain myself from admitting. I woke up this morning to my room with its blinds down, head heavy with muttered thoughts and thinking of how there would be no more crossing to get to the other side of that big road that leads to the KL Sentral monorail station with my worn-out shoes and malfunctioning umbrellas. I can say that leaving was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and, although I’d originally felt letdown that my tenure didn’t last longer than a targeted mark, walking away left me with bravery, dignity, and much-needed certainty that I could call my own. The world of office politics felt especially concentrated in the small space that gave me my firsthand experience with work but it also gave me the realization that age certainly doesn’t always warrant for sensibility or maturity. And that sometimes even lack of long-term experience does not necessitate succumbing to things and sacrificing moral values just to ‘succeed’ or appease to society.  I can’t claim for any real leaps in wisdom yet but I’ve been learning and I believe that progress is being made, even moreso during my period of being bottom of the food chain in my first few years of my as-of-yet hugely indeterminate career.

I will be going to Osaka for a family vacation and I’m thrilled to be seeing Japan again. As I’ve mentioned before, it is the country of my dreams, the wonderland of all wonderlands. Seeing a different part of Japan will be a great, though different, experience with family around.

Maybe you’ve realized that I rarely ever verbalize my personal life coherently or in a casual enough manner on this space. I hope  you can understand that it’s also because I do like to maintain a certain privacy. I am a very private person, you see, and it’s a bit hard to juggle the facet of me that is expressive with the part that would also rather just be a social recluse for days on end. I know that I am a lot more explicit, funnier, less refined, more laid-back in person but that’s also because I have such a distorted relationship with social media. In a way, I feel obligated to participate to be culturally relevant but there is a resistant, Old-World part of me that prefers writing pages and pages in physical journals just because I need that tangibility as therapy and because I don’t have enough energy to go through all the efforts needed to update myself constantly. I believe the appeal that comes with mystery is important and that you should always leave some things left for the imagination. This reminds me so much of the time when I was completely taken by a man (ah, not even a boy) last year and how a search for him online brought close to zero results much to my surprise. It left a much stronger impact than any handsome face would. To think that not everybody in their twenties today would prefer to be an exhibitionist at some point or another was refreshing, to say the least.

Another reason why I don’t say as much is also because of indecision. There’s the whole not knowing what to make of online positioning on various mediums as well as the (in)consistency that comes with it; prose and fictional pieces? Music reviews? Personal documentations? ~*3dGY GUrL~* art? An inordinate amount of selfies ft. thoughtfully-arranged pixels & closeup pores I will begin to regret in a few hours’ time?

I really don’t know any better and maybe that is a terrible reflection of my self-assurance or my self-image but I’m content with this, whatever this is. Before I go, here is a playlist to suit these recent days.

Sandpaper Sighs

  1. Ceilings by Local Natives
  2. The Canals of Our City by Beirut
  3. Wild Heart by Abe Vigoda
  4. Open by Rhye
  5. Before You Cry by Camera Obscura
  6. Faithless by Heavenly Beat
  7. Faded from the Winter by Iron & Wine
  8. So Real by Jeff Buckley
  9. Garden Grays by Wildcat! Wildcat!
  10. Baby Blue by King Krule
  11. Sleep by Sivu

 

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