If there is anything I’ve learned at all, it’s that life owes me nothing. The universe doesn’t owe me anything. The big man upstairs doesn’t owe me anything. My family/friends/current interest/career/cat doesn’t owe me anything. The next big beautiful thing to happen in life is not “in store” or “in stock”, maybe because
I owe myself everything.
And it isn’t realistic to keep running from everything, dear one. Packing up suitcases time and again to seek refuge from other countries, other vessels, and other wandering minds won’t help you once you take the novelty out of it. There is a lot of work, effort, and fine-tuning needed to get to somewhere worthwhile. The cruelty of your slowing metabolism should have told you that by now.
But s’all good.
That said, I have been in the habit of writing down skeleton descriptions of people. If you see yourself, it’s not you. Here are a few shorts I hope won’t get me into too much trouble:
- A little smug, very much sponsored by limited hours of sleep, the alcohol and sweat of testosterone, the overbearing desire to live. Attractive in that fine-boned, sun-soaked manner of being 26. Knows exactly what he wants when he sees it, doesn’t give two shits about wealth because character comes first. Could be responsible and fulfilling if he put his mind to it, homophobic, consumes high volumes of protein. Would be sorted into Gryffindor if it was an actual thing, not intimidated by sunset-colored bruises, casts or crutches if injuries were sacrificed in the name of a good cause.
- The type of person to give it all up; funds, emotions, promises, secrets, everything, moreso to a stranger than a loved one. Eats to live rather than lives to eat, often subsisting on a diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Afraid to invest in the idea of romantic love after witnessing cultural misalignment from pre-school onwards. Has growing fears that are difficult to suppress, often spouts the most moving lines in spite of her own lack of awareness.
- The rat within the grain, grew up on primetime shows and American jokes, always hoped to outgrow the rat race and transition into The Man without dispensing too much effort.
- Knows how to love inconspicuously. A quiet, unassuming humor, in control enough to never have to run on auto-pilot mode. Drifted throughout high school, never belonged in a clique, never had to belong in a clique. The type of person you somehow never run into, who owns no less but no more than 3 sweaters, 3 shirts and 2 pairs of pants in his collection of clothes. Quite possibly lives in a poorly-ventilated apartment with bookshelves filled to the brim with Nietszche and Plato, coldest during winter, warmest in the glow of comprehension. In possession of an adequate enough attention span to sit through slow-loading Internet.
And lastly, I keep returning to this because it is beautiful and I may never get over Japan.